Why is dating so hard for femme gay men?
So, I've been single for almost five years now, and at age 26 I am still wondering why I'm single, why I haven't "found" the "right" guy yet, and if I am the problem.
My last relationship went on for a great three years (or so I thought) and I was with someone who encouraged me to be "ME" He bought me my first pair of pumps when I turned 20, and always highlighted me for being my most authentic self.
Well, that love affair continued for a minute until I started to notice changes in the way he responded to me physically and even through his verbiage when he would speak to me saying things such as "You know you're still a man, right" and "that's not what men do" as if there was a rulebook on men's mannerisms or something.
As time went on there were issues of infidelity and with guys that were the total opposite of who I was a person.
From my background my family is complied of 80% women on my mother and father's side, and the lot of the men are gay men, but in a masculine tone. I am the only one who was naturally feminine out of my cousins and I was shamed for it in my early years of being a gay male. That's never here nor there, though.
The guys my last partner were cheating on me with were masculine to say the least, and were doing things to him sexually that he never expressed to me that he was interested in. Of course that left me with many question marks as I couldn't understand where the disconnect came from, or what I'd done wrong.
The relationship sadly ended and i moved to New York to start a new work life, and a new love life. That was 4 years ago, and boy when I tell you the black gay men here do NOT see it for the femme guys.
Guys have literally told me that I was "cute as I was" and without my heels, maybe there would be a shot. Or without my makeup they would want to be with me.
So for 1 year exactly, I toned my style down. I gave away my beautiful heels, I stopped wearing makeup, I gave away all the things of me that were of my true self, and also lost a part of me in the process. So not cool!
One day I got tired of being a person I wasn't and decided to embrace everything about me as a beautiful, black gay, femme male, living successfully in his truth in New York City!
A lot of guys tell me they envy my freedom but are too afraid to go against their social norms to be who they truly want to be. Not me!
I still struggle with dating and it's a hit or miss as a lot of black gay men are totally homophobic against me, which i honestly don't care, I just feel sad for them.
Who knows, maybe one day I'll find a guy that accepts all of me, or maybe I won't. I've had love before so I won't be too sad should that opportunity never present itself to me again. I love myself and I'm living my most beautiful life.
Not to say that I won't welcome the idea of it because who wouldn't want a companion to love them, but it's not my be all end all.
I refuse to comprise my comfortability of self, to appease a lover. That's mentally distorted.
To all my femme men, just love yourselves and everything else will fall into place. YOU matter.